Don't Mind if I Do

Belated Happy New Year, everyone!

One of my many resolutions was to blog more often. Perhaps I’m just off to a slow start.

After the chaos of the holidays, Jude and I have slipped back into our regular routine, and it’s been quite nice. He wakes up around 7-7:15 am after a decent night of sleep, and hangs with Mike who is busy getting ready for work. Then, he returns to my arms at about 8-8:15 and we both fall asleep for an hour or so soon after. Upon waking up, we make our way downstairs, where Jude eats his cereal and then plays in his bouncer while I eat my breakfast.

The other morning, as I grabbed the milk from the fridge, I stole a glance at Jude who was bouncing like mad in the family room, and like a shot, I was hit with an overwhelming feeling of joy.

I love these moments, I thought, my heart swelling. I am fortunate enough to be living a life I never knew that I wanted, and I want to sop up every possible moment. It will all go by too fast, I know. In a flash, I’ll be back at work, desperate for these mornings. And soon after that, Jude will be a thirteen-year-old who thinks it’s rather uncool to hang out with Mama.

But I don’t let myself dwell on those things. Instead, I’m just loving spending time with my best buddy. And I’m trying to extend that relishing of the moment to other parts of my life. Another resolution? I’m not sure.

It’s just something I’m trying.

Yesterday, a dear friend visited Jude and me for the day. We lunched at Panera and went for a long walk, and it was just so good to laugh. Even though we don’t get to see each other often, it was as though it was just the other day that we were over at her old apartment eating popcorn and watching movies. We became fast friends in graduate school, a time that felt so endless and busy until it whipped by and fell away from us before we could get a firm grip on it.

Sometimes, I wish I could get some of those days back, but I suppose I’ll always feel that way about certain segments of my life. That is why I am trying to hold on to these days with Jude.

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It’s also why I’ve begun to take notice of all the small, silly things that make me happy, like tomato soup and chocolate chip cookies and fountain soda and long walks and audio books. They may seem insignificant, but in some way, they help to etch away the gloom that crops up here and there.

I can’t undo all those wasted moments when I allowed anxiety and self-doubt to dominate my thoughts, but I’m hoping that my memories of these days with Jude will help me wade through future bouts of despair and that they will always direct me towards peace and calm.

I hope your 2012 is off to an equally ambitious start.

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