Courage

“Wash out this tired notion
That the best is yet to come
But while you’re dancing on the ground
Don’t think of when you’re gone”

-Dave Matthews Band, “Pig”

***

Yesterday, I wrote about Bronnie Ware’s article “The 5 Regrets of the Dying,” and the five themes that arose from her experiences as a person who worked with palliative care patients.

The first regret that most patients expressed in the last weeks of their lives is as follows:

“I wish I’d had the courage to live a life true to myself, not the life others expected of me.”

In contemplating this, I find myself lingering over the word “courage”. I know very few people who do not care what other people think. Others might describe these individuals as “odd” or “free spirited,” and though I agree to a certain extent, I admire them, too.

I can say that I haven’t made all my career choices or other life decisions based on the expectations of others, but I do let people’s opinions affect the way I feel about myself, so much more than I should. I can’t help it.

But that’s not what I want to say here today.

Instead, I want to come back to the word “courage”. When I was young, I just assumed that I would be a famous author. It didn’t occur to me that I could be anything different.  Writing always came easy to me, and when I pursued creative writing in college and then later in graduate school, I told myself that I was taking steps to achieve that vision.

But I was lying to myself.

Though I wrote some of my best work in those years, I didn’t take real steps to do anything about with it. I wasn’t ready, but I can’t say why.

In the past couple of weeks, I have begun the process of contacting literary agents in the hopes of seeking representation for my manuscript. It’s a lot of work, and at moments, when I am about to hit the “send” button after typing my email query, I feel exhilarated. But when the rejections start appearing in my inbox, well, my spirits dampen. It’s part of the process, I know that, but that doesn’t make it any less frustrating or disheartening.

There are a range of emotions that accompany the rejected author. The one I’m experiencing now is guilt. I wish I started building a sturdier platform when I was younger. I wish I put my words–my writing–out there years ago.

I wish I was braver. 

But I didn’t do those things. I am here now, and I am ready now, and I am courageous now.

source

Sometimes when I get down about my situation, Mike will say:

“Julia Child.”

Julia Child published Mastering the Art of French Cooking when she was in her forties after having been rejected. The prime of her public life was still yet to come; she was a TV personality well into her seventies. If she let fear and outside expectation dictate her life, she may never have become the beloved Julia Child.

So, what Mike means to tell me is:

Don’t abandon hope.

***

Despite the rejection I’ve been experiencing, I am going to keep going. If it doesn’t work the way I’ve always imagined it would, then I know I need to try something new. I have plenty of ideas for new projects and just the right amount of will to try them all.

The alternative would be a lifetime of regret, and I’m just not willing to go that way.

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